JOKE - Why Airplanes > Women

[Buzzman25]

Got this from one of the web boards that I check up on.
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Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing

[Buzzman25]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store
looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid
says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.." Well, the boss liked the kid
so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid
says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?"


The kid says, "$101,237.64."


The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"


Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.


Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I
told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4X4 Blazer."


The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and truck?"


Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'

[Buzzman25]

Some of you have heard the talk about how people complain more and more about the price of gas but will pay $1.50 for a bottle of water. Well here are some examples to put things into perspective.

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 =....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name Evian, is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US. So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!! Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...........!

[Buzzman25]

CORPORATE LESSON #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON #2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity.

CORPORATE LESSON #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Buzzman25]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

(1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
(2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
(3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
(4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
(5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
(6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
(7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
(8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
(9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
(10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
(1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
(2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
(3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
(4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
(5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
(6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
(1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
(2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
(3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
(4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
(5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
(6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
(7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
(1) You believe in Santa Claus.
(2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
(3) You are Santa Claus.
(4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.