A Couple Jokes

[MaudDib125]

I found these funny. Espically the first one!

A Lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.
This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man
seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The Judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The
man
replied, "Well Your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the
bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,
'The
double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat
under a
sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce that swelling' and I had
to
smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William 's Big
Stick
did the trick' and I could hardly contain myself. But Your Honor, when
she
moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read, 'Goodyear rubber
could
have prevented this accident.' I just lost it."

Case Dismissed...

2nd...

Demographics

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

[Buzzman25]

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

Bua ha ha ha ha! Guilty as charged!

Living in Southern California that's so true, there is no mileage, mileage can be deceiving, so we all use time as a reference. Guess it's because we never have enough of it. /shrug

[BigGunna]

Or you can pretend to have some "Big Scary Bio wepons" so a foriegn nation send you 50 cruise missles a day for a couple of weeks.... Hey wait a sec.