Jokes to add joy to the soul!

[Buzzman25]

Are you trying to tell me something with that story...

Well Mr. Kitty (seriously that's his name) Says Meowrrrrr. That's his way of saying...
Click here to find out Nature lovers

Ha ha ha ha, Awesome.

[MaudDib125]

>Headlines for 2036
>
>Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
>country in the world, California.
>
>White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's
>third language.
>
>Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &livestock.
>
>Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
>
>Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
>Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
>
>Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more
>years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
>
>Castro finally dies at age 112;
>
>Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
>banned all smoking.
>
>George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
>
>Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
>delivery to Wednesday only.
>
>35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
>
>Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
>
>Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
>
>Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
>
>New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters,
>and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
>
>Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
>campaign accounts.
>
>Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
>
>IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
>
>Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

[MaudDib125]

A couple quick jokes:

1. Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K.. He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The officer says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"


2. A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?�

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?� the man answered.

“No,� replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.�

3. What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
Could you please get out of my sun

[DarksideZero]

son*

[Buzzman25]

I think you missed the pun Zero. She asked him to get out of her sun because he was in the way of the sunlight to suntan with, however it was meant to sound like son. :p

[BigGunna]

I got an Email from a freind with all sorts of pics. Some were pretty dumb but here are a few of the funny ones. I'd post them but you'd get the joke ater you click them

Finally a sombrero for XtraMediumGunna

Jerry, Jerry... Jerry

Just weird

Grocery getter

I told you I didn't do it

Virgin Airlines out of business

Holy Homophobia Batman! It's just wrong, first because it's... then to fill it up you have to...and when you squeeze the... It spits out! Messed up on so many levels.

Have a hankering for a Minnow shot?

Wheel of fortune fan

23 1/2 hour fitness

I'd give this guy a dollar

[MaudDib125]

LMAO those were great.

1) I bet that fitness place is in So Cal!
2) I'd so give the old guy a some cash... or maybe a 40!

[MaudDib125]

BLONDE JOKES!!!

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car
for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so
they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said,
"Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday

[RoRo]

Bigguna...those were hilarious!!
MauDib...c'mon Blondes aren't that bad...

[MaudDib125]

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".



Examples of those days are as follows:



Tuesday



Thursday



Thanksgiving



Today



Tomorrow



Thaturday



Thunday

_________________________________



A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:



5% said it was to get a glass of water



12% said it was to go to the toilet



83% said it was to go home



__________________________________



The perfect breakfast.......as a man sees it...



You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties,



your mistress is on the cover of Playboy,



and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

__________________________________

(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?



(A) Nudity

_________________ _________________



(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?



(A) 45 lbs

________________ _________ _________



(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?



(A) 45 minutes

__________________________________



(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"



(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

__________________________________



(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?



(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

__________________________________



(Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

__________________________________



(Q) What's the Cuban national anthem?



(A) Row, row, row your boat.

__________________________________



(Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?



(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".



A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

[Buzzman25]

My Mom sent this to me.
________________________________________________

"Excuse me, Sir?"

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

[RoRo]

An atheist teaching a college class told his class that he could prove that there is NO God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. You have ten minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God, still waiting."

Suddenly, a Marine, just back from active duty and newly registered in the class, walks up
and hits him full force in the face sending him flying from his platform.

The shaken professor struggles to his feet and yells,
"What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine smiled, "God was busy! He sent me!"

Life is good......Semper Fi

[MaudDib125]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
testimonials of a few people who did....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.


> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
> balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally
able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and
annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked
me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't
let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bellfor a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
> him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then
I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did
you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


This had most of the state of Michiganlaughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor
who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned
to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[RoRo]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Saddam Hussein.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

[MaudDib125]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die" So he took the first
pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former
U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president.
And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people
don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the
plane.

The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the
United States of America. I am also going to be my party's nominee for
President." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth
passenger,
a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well,
I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."